The Worst Best Evening
A tragically funny dinner date
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The evening begins promisingly. I am fifteen minutes early, which I consider impressive until I realise I am standing outside the wrong restaurant. The correct restaurant is two streets away. I arrive slightly out of breath and exactly on time, which I decide counts.
My date, Clara, is already seated. She looks lovely. The restaurant looks lovely. Everything is white tablecloths and low lighting and extremely serious waiters. I sit down. My chair makes a noise. Not a small noise. A noise that approximately thirty people hear and politely pretend not to.
A waiter arrives immediately and asks if we would like still or sparkling water. I say sparkling. Clara says still. The waiter brings sparkling. Nobody says anything.
I look at the menu. The menu is in French, which I do not speak. Not one word. I recognise 'boeuf', which I believe means beef, and 'poulet', which might be chicken. Everything else is a mystery. I hold the menu very confidently and order the third thing on the list.
The third thing on the list is a whole sea bass. A whole one. It arrives looking exactly like a fish — eyes and all — and takes up most of the table. The waiter places it in front of me as though this is completely normal. Clara has a beautifully small plate of something elegant. She does not comment on my fish.
I attempt to eat the sea bass with appropriate dignity. At one point I lose a piece of it onto the tablecloth. I replace it on my plate. We both pretend this did not happen.
The dessert menu arrives. I order something called 'fondant surprise'. The surprise, it turns out, is that it is not chocolate — it is a savoury fondant with mushrooms inside. I eat it anyway. It is actually quite good. I tell Clara this. She finds it funnier than I had hoped.
When the bill arrives, I take it confidently, look at it, and then put it down again slowly.
'Should we split it?' Clara says kindly.
'Yes,' I say, with tremendous relief.
Outside, in the cold air, we laugh for a long time about the fish. She says it was the best dinner she has ever had. I think she means it. We make plans for next time.
Next time, I choose the restaurant.